Do I Hate God?
Sometimes; actually many times things in life just don't seem to make sense. In the area of prayers being heard and answered I do not often understand God, and His ways. His ways, sometimes, feels cruel to me, that He is against me. That He has not heard my cries, that He has abandon me. The natural man would hate God.
Back in May 2000, I was to be married to a gal named Rebecca. Rebecca and I courted for two an a half years. We had met each other while in Mexico at what was called "The Mission", a handicap orphanage. Five months away from our wedding date, several interesting events occurred. I heard on the radio station on KLOVE, one of the band members of "Big Tent Revival" say, how he was to be almost married when he prayed that if it weren't God's will for them to be married, to make it known and cancel the marriage. I thought to myself "what a heavy payer? Can I pray something like that? Am I willing to pray something like that? Do I love God more than Rebecca?" So I pulled over my car, and prayed that "if it is your will Lord, that Rebecca and I should not be together, that it is best not to be married to her, then give me strength to call off the marriage or take her from me."
Mean while Rebecca and I did lots of group activities together. I had meant her in a group setting in Mexico. We both worked together at the "Solid Rock coffee shop " at the church we both attended. While in a group setting there was a guy name Chase, who hung out with us. One time a group of us male guys were together and Chase wanted prayer. Chase wanted prayer, for God to grant him a wife. He was lonely. I prayed for Chase that God would grant him a wife. Within a short few weeks I notice Chase was checking out my fiancee. And Rebecca notice too, and she told me she did not like it. I confronted the situation, and Chase said "that I should not be so insecure." I had much more to say to him. Within a couple more weeks Rebecca called off the marriage, she dumped me for Chase. My heart was ripped out of me, and stomped on. I could not believe it.
At this same time, my father died. And the church decided to cut all our hours way back, from my 40 hours a week to 10 hours a week, with only a three day notice. I found myself disagreeing with 80% of my pastors theology. I knew of many who were living immoral lives. Many people were sleeping with each other. I had just read the book "When Boy Meets Girl", and my thought was 'I want to go to a church like that, where there is accountability, and I want to meet my future wife like that'. So I went searching for another church. Plus I did not want to see my ex-fiancee with another man.
So God had answered both of my prayers. God had taken Rebecca from me, and had given Chase a wife. Chase and Rebecca got married shortly after my leaving. My fighter verse became Psalm 84:11b "No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." So I figured Rebecca must of not been a good thing for me.
Fast forward to now, here I am still single. I must trust God, that in Christ he withholds no good thing from me. I just don't understand why it seems that God answers some of my prayers, and other He sometimes seems to tease me. To pray and pray, and it seems that God is working, bringing specific desires to be, or it seems to be before me, only to come to nothing. Does He not put desires in our hearts, will He not fulfill them. If I ask for bread, will He give me a stone? How am I suppose to reconcile these verses? Perhaps I am not to understand, but to trust Him. Psalm 84:12 says "O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you! I know through all the pain, Christ has always been good to me, and most of all He has given Himself to me. To live is Christ.
If I am ever to be married it will be a blood bought gift, purchased by Christ. It will not be my eloquence of speech nor my good looks (that's a joke), nothing but sheer grace. My mom says that I will never be married, cause I am the most assertive of my brothers. Their wives seem to be the leaders, it won't be that way with me. They have followed after my dad. It's not biblical. I seek to please God, and to trust Him fully, though much I do not understand . Must I understand? No, But I must trust Him. As a child I loved the old hymn "Trust and obey". It is as if God is asking me "do you love that old hymn, have you Daniel found it to be true, then I must inflict you, to make it true, to you". Trust and obey, for there is no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
On March 2006 i met a virgin Christian girl named Cheriluz in a Christian conference, she was 18 years old, i told her i love her...
Back in May 2000, I was to be married to a gal named Rebecca. Rebecca and I courted for two an a half years. We had met each other while in Mexico at what was called "The Mission", a handicap orphanage. Five months away from our wedding date, several interesting events occurred. I heard on the radio station on KLOVE, one of the band members of "Big Tent Revival" say, how he was to be almost married when he prayed that if it weren't God's will for them to be married, to make it known and cancel the marriage. I thought to myself "what a heavy payer? Can I pray something like that? Am I willing to pray something like that? Do I love God more than Rebecca?" So I pulled over my car, and prayed that "if it is your will Lord, that Rebecca and I should not be together, that it is best not to be married to her, then give me strength to call off the marriage or take her from me."
Mean while Rebecca and I did lots of group activities together. I had meant her in a group setting in Mexico. We both worked together at the "Solid Rock coffee shop " at the church we both attended. While in a group setting there was a guy name Chase, who hung out with us. One time a group of us male guys were together and Chase wanted prayer. Chase wanted prayer, for God to grant him a wife. He was lonely. I prayed for Chase that God would grant him a wife. Within a short few weeks I notice Chase was checking out my fiancee. And Rebecca notice too, and she told me she did not like it. I confronted the situation, and Chase said "that I should not be so insecure." I had much more to say to him. Within a couple more weeks Rebecca called off the marriage, she dumped me for Chase. My heart was ripped out of me, and stomped on. I could not believe it.
At this same time, my father died. And the church decided to cut all our hours way back, from my 40 hours a week to 10 hours a week, with only a three day notice. I found myself disagreeing with 80% of my pastors theology. I knew of many who were living immoral lives. Many people were sleeping with each other. I had just read the book "When Boy Meets Girl", and my thought was 'I want to go to a church like that, where there is accountability, and I want to meet my future wife like that'. So I went searching for another church. Plus I did not want to see my ex-fiancee with another man.
So God had answered both of my prayers. God had taken Rebecca from me, and had given Chase a wife. Chase and Rebecca got married shortly after my leaving. My fighter verse became Psalm 84:11b "No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." So I figured Rebecca must of not been a good thing for me.
Fast forward to now, here I am still single. I must trust God, that in Christ he withholds no good thing from me. I just don't understand why it seems that God answers some of my prayers, and other He sometimes seems to tease me. To pray and pray, and it seems that God is working, bringing specific desires to be, or it seems to be before me, only to come to nothing. Does He not put desires in our hearts, will He not fulfill them. If I ask for bread, will He give me a stone? How am I suppose to reconcile these verses? Perhaps I am not to understand, but to trust Him. Psalm 84:12 says "O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you! I know through all the pain, Christ has always been good to me, and most of all He has given Himself to me. To live is Christ.
If I am ever to be married it will be a blood bought gift, purchased by Christ. It will not be my eloquence of speech nor my good looks (that's a joke), nothing but sheer grace. My mom says that I will never be married, cause I am the most assertive of my brothers. Their wives seem to be the leaders, it won't be that way with me. They have followed after my dad. It's not biblical. I seek to please God, and to trust Him fully, though much I do not understand . Must I understand? No, But I must trust Him. As a child I loved the old hymn "Trust and obey". It is as if God is asking me "do you love that old hymn, have you Daniel found it to be true, then I must inflict you, to make it true, to you". Trust and obey, for there is no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
On March 2006 i met a virgin Christian girl named Cheriluz in a Christian conference, she was 18 years old, i told her i love her...
posted by Daniel Mann at 9:50 PM
7 Comments:
Hang in there. It seems hard now, but it will be worth the wait. (I speak from personal experience - I call my wife, 'my gift from God'). Knowing that it is easy for someone to make suggestions to someone else who is going through a time of testing (ie., Job's friends), I am hesistant to write much. Hopefully these few thoughts you will find helpful though; Remember that God is all wise. Remember also that toward his people he is especially good and cares about you in no small way. After all, he spent the blood of Christ to save you. If I can borrow an idea from William Gurnall, after he spent so much to purchase you, know that you are worth the blood and suffering of Christ to God. If the Lord would not spare his own son, the most precious of all, then to spend his power or resources for you seems to be a sure bet. He is on your side!
Ah, I could write more, but I want to avoid being like Job's friends. :) God is good. Trust in him.
Thanks for sharing this.
Rob Somers, thanks for the comment, more importantly the rich encouragement. I appreciate it much.
I used to say this a lot "good things come to those that wait". I don't find myself saying it much any more. Been waiting for a long time! I have been encouraged though by the reading of a C.H. Spurgeon sermon, and a Jonathan Edward's sermon, both declare that, "the longer we wait for a gift or a blessing the sweeter it is."
Some tell me God is working on me to prepare me for her, I say God is preparing her for me. That might sound prideful at first, but if she is going to marry me, she needs to be prepared. And oh' I will love her for it.
Thanks Rob also for the William Gurnall quote, I have his vas monumental 600 page book (The Christian in Complete Armour), what a opulent work. I have benefited much from it.
Yes, the gospel, I LOVE It, better yet, Christ Jesus is the gospel. The giving of Himself is my greatest treasure of all.
Puritan belief, thanks for reading my post.
I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts on your blog. I will have to leave more comments on yours. I plan on getting back into more theological issues on my own blog.
God bless you much, my co-laborer in Christ.
Ana Marie, your name sounds like a name of a song.
Thanks, like always for your sisterly encouragement. But I must disagree with ya. I deserve nothing but judgement, and the fires of hell it self. God's wrath should burn hot against me. Not even the love of God, let alone the love of a women, should be my just desert. Plus I know myself too well, wretched man or mann I am. Thanks be to God though. In Christ "Every good gift and perfect gift is from above,coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17
Whatever my lot is, in life, I get what I don't deserve. It's all sheer grace. Therefore I can say, it is "well with my soul". Even through the tears, and that I might not like my lot, but I know Christ better by the lot He has decided to give me.
Soli Deo Gloria
No NO NO!!! Sister Ana Marie, I can never focus on my sin, nor see to much of my sin, unless I don't see God's grace. Mercy triumphs over judgement. Blessings are only realized when we understand we deserve nothing good, absolutely zero,Zip zilch!! Then everything that happens to us, is seen as a blessing, even pain and sorrow.
C.H Spurgeon said "If our sin be small, our savior will be small." How we view sin, will in effect- how we will view God Himself.
John Calvin said " Our hearts are an idol factory." How true. The apostle Paul said " I am the chief of sinners." I would argue with Paul over that designation. It's me. The more we know God, the more we know ourselves, and the hard reality of who we really are, is exposed. Remember Isaiah, in Isaiah chapter 6, How it was not until Isaiah saw the Lord high and lifted up that he understood himself to be what he was all along. "Woe is me" He said. Yes woe is me too, but wow is God.
Soli Deo Gloria
I love you Daniel, I am madly inlove with you! I'm so happy you didn't get married to Rebecca, infact I thank God for it! lol
Post a Comment
<< Home